Friday, January 30, 2009

How come whenever I think I'm standing strong, you somehow pull me back down.

Just so you know, I hate myself for faltering every single time.

And I'm guessing, maybe I'm the one you're getting tired of.

ps. I despise that I adore you

I watched her from the corner of my eye

and secretly I wondered how on earth did she take my heart with her.

♥ disguised at { 6:54 PM }

Thursday, January 29, 2009

My treshold for pain is like zero, nil.
Well ok, that basically explains all my actions from now till forever.
I'm a total nutcase.
(1) Took a bus home, was like watching some show on mobtv and before I knew it..... I tapped my ez-link card 3 freaking stops before my stop. Went down the bus and took a long stroll home.
(2) I got frightened by my own shadow on the floor when I was walking home.
(3) My phone rang, I picked it up and guess what? I was holding the phone the wrong side. Like I held the bottom mouth part against my ear and I was like "hello... hello...eh why no sound?"
(4) I've been repeating the "peel banana" cheer for the past 25 mins with some crazy actions and I keep getting into laughing fits everytime. Sis thinks I've gone kuku!

I know, I'm out of my blazing mind like I'm going insanely bonkers or something. Hah.
Omg, I'm really really sleppy but I gotta do 2 more maths exercises before I can go to bed! Urghhh!
Yes, I'm getting my priorties all so right man. Yay me! Not.

ps. Was it a mistake or am I making something out of nothing?
Everyone's a let down, it just depends on how far down they can go.
How much have I let you down?
I'm not sure if I ever did.
You are. Now.

Like I've said, right to your face.
"Tables have turned,everything has changed."
But wait.
My love... still remains the same?
Missed that out.

♥ disguised at { 9:36 PM }

Monday, January 26, 2009

Visting visiting visiting and more visiting!
Red packets red packets red packets and more red packets!
Fun fun fun and more fun!
Food food food and more food!
I don't like bak kua, period.
I think I'm gonna get drunk tonight and spill all my secrets and nonsense out so that everyone will sympathize with me (or not).

ps. It's killing me much more than you can ever imagine.
But maybe, just maybe someday I'll understand why you're doing this.

♥ disguised at { 1:29 PM }

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Reality check.
It's all more than I can take.
But I've made a promise that I'll be happy this Chinese New Year and save all that emotions for later.
Get many many ang paos and be happy, I'll keep to my word.
Or maybe I'll try, it depends. Hah.
Whatever.
It'll all come back to me again anyway.
Even in my dreams, like last night.

ps. "You already know how I feel, of course, I'm here...
which, roughly translated, means I would rather die then stay away from you.
I'm an idiot"

I almost forgot to say something else
And if I cant fit it in I'll keep it all to myself
I almost wrote a song about you today
But I tore it all up and then I threw it away
And I almost had you
But I guess that doesn't cut it
Almost had you
And I didn't even know it
You kept me guessing and now I'm destined to spend my time missing you
And I almost had you
I almost wish you would've loved me too

♥ disguised at { 6:26 PM }

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

So many times, there were so many things left unsaid.

Too many.

♥ disguised at { 6:56 PM }

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

It's amazing how long it took me to realise what was once there is no longer existant anymore.
Maybe it was just that I didn't want to come in terms with that very fact.
Or maybe, everything was just my own story made up by me and my imaginative ways from the very start.
I fell for my own lies.
For all I know, I'm just brooding over a passing comment that wasn't suppose to mean anything.
Not in the long term basis that is.

I still stay up all night thinking about everything that have sqeezed their way through out of my life in just a blink of an eye.
It still baffles me.
I've been faking it all this while.
Those laughters and smiles were just to cover up, saving me from the unnecessary attention that I didn't (in fact never) intend to attract.
They told me I'm suffering, but I figured that there's nothing I can do.
Cuz everything, this whole load of rubbish boils down to just one point- that my life is just the story I decided to make up quite some time ago.
It's a fight aginst myself.
I hate falling for the same trick, but I can't help it.
I falter almost every single time.

Ps. "I was afraid... beacuse,
for, well, obvious reasons,
I can't stay with you.
And I'm afraid that I'd like to stay with you,
much more than I should."

♥ disguised at { 8:59 PM }

Monday, January 19, 2009

I think I've been wracking my brains over the smallest matter, which by right is suppose to be insignificant.
I think I'm being paranoid.
I think I'm tired.
I think I'm gonna collapse.
I think I wanna go into hiding.
I think I wish I could turn back time, and move away from what I know is not gonna do my life any good.
I think I'm still jealous.
I think I hate myself for feeling this way.
I think one day the angst within me is gonna get me into unnecessary trouble.
I think it's about time I stop all this nonsense.
I think there's this post is redundant cuz nobody sees where I'm getting at.
I think I better just stop thinking.

Brown eyes and lungs are filled up with smoke
Fast lives are stuck in the undertow
But you know the places I wanna go
Cause oh oh oh
I've got a sickness, you've got the cure
You've got the spark I've been lookin' for
And I've got a plan, we walk out the door

♥ disguised at { 9:29 PM }

Saturday, January 17, 2009

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHELSEA CHIA LEI-ANN!!!

Omg, you better be honoured that I actually spent time to make those rainbow words for you ok.

Honestly, I don't have very much to say cuz it's all gonna come out sounding oh-so cliche.

Like all the "hope you have fun, enjoy, you're a year older so act your age" nonsense.

Hahaha.

Oh, you know my sis still can't get over the damn fact that you look like me when we were younger.

What the bleh?!? Hah

Anyway, you know how much I love you. Yes you do.

Happy Wappy Birthday once again and again, Chelsea Welsey!

You go girl.

I'm in a state of absolute shock and trauma!

Ok fine, I'm just being such a drama mama. AGAIN.

But I seriously feel like I'm gonna die any second now due to a heartattack.

I can so go into a laughing fits and a crying jag all at the same time now.

Oh my bratz, this world is too complicated for me brains to handle.

It's c-c-c-c-crazayye!

8 more days to Chinese New Year. Goody woody :D

ps. Assure me that everything's not gonna be that superficial afterall?

One of those times when you could feel the pinch in your heart.

I wonder if it was just a perfect dream that I have accidentally mixed it up for reality.

It's so easy to be blinded.

And caught up in the clouds where everything's in a haze.

Causing you to forget about the days,

forget about the common, simple, beautiful ways.

♥ disguised at { 6:06 PM }

Friday, January 16, 2009

I won't try to philosophize
I'll just take a deep breath then I'll look in your eyes

This is how I feel

And it's so surreal

I got a closet filled up to the brim

With the ghosts of my past and their skeletons

And I don't know why

You'd even try

But I won't lie

♥ disguised at { 7:16 PM }

Thursday, January 15, 2009

I was just wondering how wonderfully awesome it would be if I were a vampire.

And no, this is not any random sign of some nonsensical twilight withdrawal symptoms.

I mean seriously.

How cool will it be if I have really white skin (paler than an albino), purplish-blue dark eyerings, eyes that are able to change colour in a matter of seconds.

I'll be able to read people's mind and "see/hear" whatever they're thinking.

I'll have bats as pets, vultures will be my partners-in-crime and I don't use money to buy my food, I sacrifice the lives of mortal to satisfy my hunger.

Or maybe I'll suck my own blood till I shrivel up like a dried prune (hahahahahaha) and die.

If I can't be one, then maybe I'll be just as contented meeting one.

I think I'll probably be brought for counselling after this. Whatever.

Ps. It seems so different now.

And when I mean "it", I myself have no idea what the hell I'm referring to.

I believe my actions said it all and made up for the unspoken words that I've been keeping to myself.

You won't get it if you don't even wanna try understanding.

I'll say I tried,

but just not hard enough.

I got your runaway smile in my piggybank baby

Gonna cash it right in for a new Mercedes

If I drive a hundred thousand miles

Would you let me stay a while?

Now I'm heels over head,

I'm hangin' upside-down

Thinking how you left me for dead

California bound

And when you hit the coast

I hope you think of me

And how I'm stuck here with the ghost of what we used to be

♥ disguised at { 9:38 PM }

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Being sick isn't the best state to be in right now.

Having to juggle so many retarded things is simply......(duhh uhh) retarded!

Am totally lagging a long way behind for maths and IPC lectures.

I've been trying to read the lectures notes for the past 3 days but I still don't get a single crap thing.

I'm so giving up, catching up on some twilight and just relying on last minute studies to pass this semester's exams.

This is the cycle to "sucess":

(1) I don't get what the lecturers are saying

(2) Since I don't get it, why listen?

(3) When I don't listen I start getting really restless (and noisy as always)

(4) I get scolded for being a chatterbox

(5) Not listening to lectures means not knowing how to do my homework

(6) Not doing my lovely homework leads to going into the examination hall empty-headed

(7) And all that chunk of nonsense just boils down to one thing, an F for my exams.

Yes, I do know my problem but why am I not doing anything about it?

Projects, presentations and practical tests are all slowly creeping their way through my nerves.

Although I might seem like don't give a crap about them, the fact is that I'm actually freaking out.

I hate saying this, but just screw life.

Let's face it. I'm a goner, period.

Down and OUT!!!

Ps. Shocking it was, I didn't know how to react.

It felt like something punched me in the stomach.

I wondered if it was all because of the truth being unfolded.

Maybe you wanted to ask.

It wasn't attention I was seeking, but just an answer.

Questions are all I have.

I don't know where to begin.

I don't even know how to.

I can read the lines

On your face

And they're telling me

Everything I already know

I hold you in my arms

But your light-years away from me

Slowly sinking

Under alone

So I act cool

On the outside

But it's eating me

Alive

♥ disguised at { 9:57 PM }

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Desperate for changing

Starving for truth

Closer where I started chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you

letting go of all I've held onto

I'm standing here until you make me move

I'm hanging by a moment here with you

forgetting all I'm lacking

completely and complete

I'll take your invitation

you take all of me

Ps. Although things happened so long ago,

being near you again brought me to where we were.

I tried to ignore everything and turn away

but deep down inside I couldn't hide it.

I kmow very well what I'm missing.

I'm feeling this way, so what?

Doesn't mean anything anyway.

You're happy where you are,

and that's good enough.

I suppose?

♥ disguised at { 10:52 PM }

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Morgan Doughborg is his name. Coolio! "Kovicah" was extra.

His friend hope the girl will see it. They made me write that! Haha

My very own skater girl- RATIH!

Through the fedora.

This week's been pretty cool and awesome.

Caught up with quite a number of people whome I've not seen for the longest time.

We feel deprived!

It totally dawned on us that we so need to meet up more often cuz there's just so so so so much for us to talk about.

Yesterday yesterday yesterday!

Openhouse was the BOMB that's beside the fact that there were so many people who kept coming to the henna booth.

My left thumb was totally spasming and cramping like a retarded worm. Hah.

There were really strange people wanting to get a henna painting done but they're nice in a weird way.

Like there was this guy who was "heartbroken" and made such a fuss that I didn't know what ME was cuz he told me that was his course.

Whatttttt?!? Right..... Haha.

Tih came down to helped out and do some catching up at the same time.
Was there from 10 to 5, and I thought that school was actually kinda fun for ONCE!

Oh yeah, anyway GOOD, BETTER, BEST OF LUCK TO THOSE WHO'RE GETTING THEIR Os RESULTS TOMORROW!

It's been a year since I was getting all so nervous about mine.

God, time flies so fast. We're all aging rapidly!

I'm going to be like 18 in a matter of four months, or more.

Synod games day it is!

Ahhhhhhhhhhh. Or-some! I'm more than ecstatic.

Darlin i'll be yours forever

'Cause i never wanna be

Without love

now you've captured me

without love

I surrender happily

without love

Tracy never set me free

no no no

I ain't lying

never set me free

♥ disguised at { 10:21 PM }

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

I found you, something told me to stay.

So there you go, joke of the day.
Hang on, it's the joke of the CENTURY!
Like whattt?!
That's utter bullshit, I swear.
I should have known better than that.
Maybe I just wanted to see what the consequences were.
Or was it because I just didn't feel like it?

I don't know if you're gonna see this but anyway...
Mands, thanks for being such awesome listener and hear me rant on everything and anything, anytime and anywhere.
If it wasn't for the messages and calls, I would have slaughtered myself like a dead chicken a long long time ago.
Thank you so so much for always being on my side no matter what and checking on me every so often to see if I'm doing ok.
Thank you thank you thank you and I LOVE YOU :D

♥ disguised at { 12:24 PM }

Monday, January 05, 2009

Ok, first things first.
Please pardon my complain/ ranting, and if it ever becomes vulgur or blunt just know that IT'S NOT INTENTIONAL!
Here it goes...
I seriously don't get how some people can get so thick-skinned and think that they're good enough to take up certain challenges when they know so well that it's just impossible.
If you know you can't do it, just don't do it!
Others have told me not to say anything first and just see what happens but I know what's gonna happen in the end.
Some people at your side will just say things to bring the others down and make them feel really lousy about themselves.
You will always be in the limelight cuz if you don't make the cut, there'll be someone protecting your dignity and shielding your pathetic ass!
But you know what? At the end of the day, you're gonna be the one being humiliated.
You think we'll help you? Oh no, we'll all just say "serve you right".
It's fucking obvious how you want attention so bad just because some incidents occurred that miraculously raised your egotism, narcissism or whatever you wanna call it.
Why bother denying the fact that you love being the center of attention?
It doesn't bring you any justice, because everyone else knows and dislikes the real you.
Well, "dislike" is a really strong word to use in this context but it's the closest to what I'm trying to bring across here.
Not surprisingly, you have proven yourself to be one of the biggest posers alive too.
All those stories about "long ago..., I didn't know..." and whatnot.
Please, thats so yesterday.
And again, you may start denying it but we believe what we see. Who can ever deny a fact?
You go around saying one thing and then doing another behind people's back, it's both highly disturbing and disgusting at the same time.
Why do you keep coming back to the same old problem?
You're just making 90% of the people hate you, despise you, loathe you and detest you.
I suppose you should know where the other 10% come from.
Yes, you're absolutely right.
Those who don't see your motive, those who blindly thinks you're so awesome, those who have fallen for your little tricks and certainly those who loves you oh-so much.
As much as I abominate admitting, I guess all these are enough for you to see how much damage you've done to yourself.
Your abhorrent ego has gotta go.

Anyway, first day of school was kinda normal I guess.
It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
All the emo nonsense the night before about school reopening was just driving me nuts. Haha.
Yup, school's just fine.
I'm the miss chatterbox as usual! Surprise surprise. NOT.
I can so wait for the stress and drama awaiting me this year. Hah!

♥ disguised at { 7:50 PM }

Saturday, January 03, 2009

It's only day two of 2009 and I've found out how to cheat MOL (some math onine work thing).
I totally beat the system, but I'm not the only one.
Some others found out way before I did.
I'm such a cheaterbug!
I feel euphoric yet crappy.
Guess I've been punished, I freaking tore some important note up by accident.
Shoot me dead.

♥ disguised at { 12:46 AM }

Friday, January 02, 2009

Happy New Year!

And so it begins, my second chance is finally here.

I will not make the same mistakes I made last year.

This year, I start with a lot more knowledge and understanding of certain areas of my life that I thought I entirely comprehended and could cope well when that was never the case to begin with.

Although I can't say that I can totally figure my own life out, I'm learning I guess, day by day.

It's been a year since I last stepped into IJ.

Time flies.

There are so many things I just wish I could turn back to but life still goes on.

If I have to describe 2008 in one word, it gotta be CRAZY.

The big huge change from secondary school to poly was more than my pathetic soul could take.

Culture shock, the worse nightmare.

Everyone around me was so different from the ones back in IJ.

Their character, their attitude, their personality, everything about everyone was freaking me out.

Somehow as months passed, I managed to settle down and school wasn't that much of a problem.

But just when I was about to like school (ok, that's an OVER-statement), I realised I wasn't academically up to standard.

Everyone's like real brainy, smart and just so intelligent.

"WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING IN BIOMEDICAL SCIENCE?"

I'm still trying to figure that out up till now. Hah.

It's been a really hectic year, it was all about tests, exams, tests, exams, tests and more exams!

I haven't been reaching my academic expectations, but I gained experience and realised how some others count so much more than numbers on a paper.

Nevertheless, doing well and getting good grades still matters a whole lot to me. Haha.

That aside, I really wanna thank you all for being part of my 2008 and making every littlest thing possible.

Each and every one of you have somehow in someway moulded Jac into who I am today.

THANK YOU GUYS!

I'm extremely curious about what 2009 has in stored for all of us.

Well, let's just hope it's gonna be a happy year with happy things happening to happy people.

And and and! This whole resession thing will just go away sooooooon. Hahaha.

2009 is gonna be much better than 2008, I know :D

So, here's my list of new year's resolution

[x] Sticking to my reslutions faithfully for once.
[x] Stop being such a lazybone and no more procrastination.
[x] No more last minute work.
[x] Study hard consistently (although it's almost impossible)
[x] Do QT at least four times a week.
[x] Manage my impusivity.

[x] Get toned up and shed those grossly unwanted fats.

[x] Grow out my hair and stop cutting I just for the thrill.

[x] Respect!

[x] Not answer back.

[x] Spare a thought for others before I say/ do anything.

[x] Face all difficulties with courage and not be such a chicken.

Basically, be a good or better girl :) Hah

Seasons change, and people do

Sometimes you look around and ask yourself if you really know the people surrouding you.

♥ disguised at { 8:47 PM }